Shag, Marry, Kill: The Game: The Challenge:The Fic
by AlwaysInADream
Summary: Fred and George make a bet, Hermione stays up late, Cedric is mysterious, and Katie Bell shows up at the end for a few lines. Both slash and het romances appear in this fic, though no femslash. I'll work all three into the same fic one day.


Challenge prompted by someone using the name Paris in December.

Also, if the ffn devs are reading this: there's this thing called an interrobang, which doesn't exist in most fonts but is commonly represented with a question mark next to an exclamation point. It's used to end sentences that express both intensity and questioning. Can you make your don't-overuse-punctuation algorithm account for this, please? (do i think they're reading this? hell no. i'm just venting.)

It's mostly T, with just a few M moments; I decided to be safe and pick the higher rating. If you think I overdid it, feel free to inform me.

Warnings and pairings at the bottom (spoilers, you know). Well, except George/Cedric, which you can look down _a single line_ and see for yourself.

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><p>George Weasley looked over at Cedric Diggory, who was still blushing bright red after a vigorous bout of gay sex.<p>

... What? That's what it was!

"So."

"Yeah."

How awkward...

George tried to think about how he got into this situation, but couldn't get his thoughts past the hot bod still lying mere inches from his own.

"Did, uh..." Cedric tried to break the increasingly uncomfortable silence. "Did that work for you?"

"Not really..."

"Oh, yeah, me neither. Not at all."

"Yeah. Definitely not liking the cock."

"It's awful, don't know how girls stand it."

This was not helping.

"Um, so..."

"I've got Quidditch to-"

"Oh yeah, no need to hang around on my account."

Shortly thereafter, George returned to the Gryffindor common room.

"Cedric Diggory is neither gay nor chicken," Fred stated without introduction. "That's the bet. Pay up."

"Definitely not chicken, but I'm not so sure about the gay. He seemed to be denying it on my account. Didn't want me to think less of him for it."

"Oh, you don't know that. He didn't say any of it."

"Of course he didn't, that'd be against the point. But I think I could see it in his eyes."

"You would, wouldn't you? I just think you don't want to pay up."

"I really think he's got something there!"

The twins stared at each other for a while. "Right. Only one way to find out for sure."

"I'm not getting him into bed with some random girl for the sake of the bet."

"You know we won't need to."

"Yeah, well, I was hoping not to do this."

A few nights later, George Weasley looked over at Cedric Diggory, who it seemed blushed just as red after a vigorous bout of straight sex.

Yes, George had taken a sex-change potion. The temporary kind, of course, and just to resolve the bet.

He had been hoping not to ask this, but he had been to distracted by falling down all these girl parts to notice directly. "So, am I any better as a girl?"

Cedric didn't respond.

"Ced?"

"George, this is getting really awkward. I don't think we can keep doing this."

"Uh... yeah. If you say so."

A few hours later, and the Weasley twins were discussing this latest development at one of the back tables in The Three Broomsticks.

"He didn't seem any different! I thought he might have been, before, but now I'm more confused than before the investigation."

"Maybe he just likes_ you_."

"Or _hates_ me."

"Maybe he's bisexual."

"Or asexual."

"Would those be a win for me, or for you?"

"I don't even know."

"Maybe-"

"Hold it, someone's coming."

Hermione Granger had been wandering through the pub for a few minutes now. Unfortunately, every table was occupied. Only just now did she settle for sitting at the mostly-empty table occupied by the twins, as it at least contained people she knew. A bit.

"Hello there, Fred. George."

"Hello, Hermione."

She immediately pulled out a book and a very long roll of parchment - one that looked to be half-full already - and continued writing what appeared to be the most difficult essay in Hogwarts history.

"Library still a mess?"

"Like you wouldn't believe. I don't know what Peeves has been up to since yesterday, and I don't know why those second-year Hufflepuffs are encouraging him."

"That group again?"

"Nasty troublemakers, them." This remark earned a questioning glance from Hermione. "Yeah, I know what you're thinking."

"But we're_ fun_ troublemakers."

"We make our fellow students _laugh_."

"But that group prefer tears."

"And not of joy."

Hermione took a moment to go over the pranks she could remember them pulling. "I suppose. Double espresso, please," she added, as Madam Rosmerta came by to take her order.

"Blimey, Hermione."

"All that caffeine?"

"Stunt your growth."

"I know it's stupid, but... I've been up for three days straight, trying to get this essay done. There's no good place to study, everyone's making all this noise. I can't even get a decent nap in."

"Girls' dorms are pretty secure, aren't they?"

"You would think, wouldn't you?" she spat. "I don't know how they're doing it, but... I don't want to be in there right now."

The twins exchanged a glance; they had never managed to sneak into the girls' dormitory. "You don't reckon...?"

"I haven't tried it."

"The Founders would have."

"Might not have been invented."

"Took us two weeks to make our first batch."

"And we're damn good at Potions-"

"-when Snape's not around."

Hermione stared at the two. "What are you thinking?"

"Well..."

One explanation later...

"That... could work. I think." She yawned. Despite having two more cups during the explanation, she still could hardly stay awake. "I don't know, I'm too tired to think... how do you know about this, anyway?"

Half an explanation later...

"Gay chicken? Honestly, I thought that only existed in bad slashfics..."

"Hey, we're not done."

"We haven't even gotten to the part with the potion."

"Sorry..."

The other half of an explanation later...

"_Cedric Diggory's queer?_" Hermione meant no offense by her word choice; it was simply the best way to compress "bisexual or asexual or George-sexual and we don't know which" into a shocked exclamation.

"Yeah, and don't go spreading it around-"

"-gossip's bad form-"

"-and there's no way-"

"-he won't trace it back to me."

Hermione stared at her cup, which had been emptied a few more times since the last mention. "I need another drink."

"That trope's not meant for espresso..."

"Yeah, well I'm not old enough to drink Firewhiskey!" She slammed yet another double espresso brought to her by Madam Rosmerta, and promptly fell down dead.

The twins stared.

"Oh, shit."

Many years later...

"... and that's my sordid past," George said to Katie Bell. "My gay lover, the time I killed a girl, and the time I was a girl. First time, really, sex-change potions are pretty useful."

Katie shrugged. "You realize that's all been common knowledge for years now, right?"

"Yeah, and so have about fifty other versions of the tale. I just wanted to make sure you knew the one that was true."

She smiled. "Well, now I do. And it doesn't stop me wanting to marry you."

George grinned and embraced his fiancée. "I figured that'd be the case." They stood that way for a while. "You know, this ending seems a bit tacked-on."

"George, don't break the fourth wall now! It was so close to being a serious fic..." George raised an eyebrow. "Well... almost serious."

"Well, who cares. I'm about to marry the girl I love, even if our hack of an author didn't tell anyone why I love her."

"We bonded over Quidditch."

"That's how we met, not how we fell in love."

"Well, maybe she's saving that for another story."

"I hope so."

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><p>Warnings: Major character death (the death isn't so major, the character is)<p>

Pairings: George/Cedric, sexswap!George/Cedric, George/Katie. George gets a lot of action in this fic, doesn't he?


End file.
